Clarity in Feedback (Feedback pt. 2)
By David Shrum | Ascend Leadership & Development
I’ve been taught many different ways of providing feedback over the years, and many of them miss a crucial element: clarity.
In a previous post, I wrote about the importance of asking for permission and aligning feedback to the recipient’s vision for their life. But even when we do that—when both giver and receiver are ready—we often stumble on being clear about what we’re actually saying.
There may be many reasons for this (something worth unpacking with a coach), but one common thread I’ve noticed is that lack of clarity often comes from seeing the recipient as an object rather than a person. Instead of serving the other person’s vision, we end up serving our own agenda—using vague, softened words or, on the other extreme, becoming tyrannical.
Why “Softening” Feedback Backfires
One of the clearest examples of this is the feedback sandwich—positive, negative, positive.
On the surface, it seems thoughtful. But underneath, it assumes the person isn’t capable of handling the truth. It muddies the message, creates confusion, and often comes across as manipulation. Team members can see through it, and it paints leaders as disingenuous.
This kind of approach creates the “Does this dress make me look fat?” scenario. If we actually care about our people, we need to be forthright. Not blunt, not cruel—but clear.
Use Subjective Language
The antidote is subjective language—how it occurs to you.
Feedback should be specific, from your perspective, and tied to the recipient’s vision. This honors the First Law of Performance: performance correlates to occurrence. People act based on how the world occurs to them. By saying, “Here’s how this occurs to me,” you open space for real conversation—because it may not occur to them the same way.
When a spouse asks, “Does this outfit look good?” the latent vision is clear: they want to look their best in public. Responding vaguely or dodging the question isn’t loving—it’s evasive. Clarity, even if uncomfortable, is actually the most caring response.
The “Salty” Example
On social media, I’ve seen those viral videos where wives prank their husbands by oversalting food and then asking for feedback. The husbands squirm, trying to be “sweet,” saying things like, “It’s a little salty, but you did a great job.”
That’s not sweet. It’s not helpful. It’s not loving.
A better response would be:
“I know you want tonight’s meal to go well with your friends and family. This dish occurs to me as extremely salty and might not be what you want to serve. Have you tasted it—how does it occur to you?”
That response ties the feedback to their vision (hosting a great meal) and gives clear, subjective input that allows for conversation.
Clarity is Kindness
I’ve been guilty of vague feedback myself—and I’ve seen others do it. It wastes time, creates confusion, and derails growth. If the recipient walks away wondering what you meant, the feedback failed.
This shows up not only in one-on-one conversations, but also in group meetings and mass emails. Instead of addressing the individual who needs the feedback, leaders “blanket” the team—leaving everyone wondering, “Is this about me?”
That’s avoidance, not leadership.
A friend of mine often says: Clarity is kindness.
And it’s true. If we truly want growth in our teams, we need to commit to feedback that is:
Clear and specific.
Delivered with subjective language (“as it occurs to me”).
Aligned to the recipient’s vision.
When we do this, feedback stops being a vague obligation or a manipulative tactic. It becomes a gift that honors the person, supports their growth, and strengthens the culture.