The Tyrant in a Tie (Feedback pt. 3)
By David Shrum | Ascend Leadership & Development
Often as leaders we can slip into the belief that our perspective is the only one that counts. This is a symptom of not seeing people as individuals with their own needs, challenges, and objectives, and instead seeing them as obstacles in our way.
The Arbinger Institute has coined this as being “In the Box” and it trickles down into all of our relationships, including the relationship we have with ourselves—because at its core it is a symptom of self-deception. I have seen in my own leadership journey, and still today, how I can easily fall into being In the Box. One of the biggest areas it shows up is in how I give—or don’t give—feedback.
Here are just a few ways I’ve noticed it in myself:
I haven’t asked for permission before giving feedback—because I carried an air of superiority and didn’t believe I needed permission.
I haven’t aligned feedback to the recipient’s vision—because I hadn’t considered their vision worth knowing.
I wasn’t clear about what the feedback actually was—because I didn’t think they could handle it, or I was more concerned about self-image than their growth.
I’ve used objective, dismissive language—because of a “facts over feelings” mentality. When in reality, feelings are rooted in beliefs and stories that shape how the world occurs to someone, and therefore how they perform.
The result of all this isn’t leadership. It’s tyranny in a tie.
The Overlooked Step: Curiosity
In my last piece, Clarity in Feedback, I used the example of giving feedback that was clear, aligned, and subjective. At the end of the example was a simple line that might sound like a throwaway:
“How does it occur to you?”
It may sound small, but it’s powerful. Why? Because it sparks curiosity—not only for the recipient, but for us.
When we don’t ask how feedback lands, we shut down potential growth opportunities for everyone involved. When we keep the door of dialogue shut, we reduce the people in our life to cogs in a wheel who must bend to our will—and we justify it to ourselves.
But when we slow down and open the door to curiosity, we turn one-way communication into a dialogue. We give ourselves a chance to test if we were truly clear in our feedback. And we create space for the other person to reflect on how the feedback connects to their vision and their life.
Practical questions can open the door:
Have you received feedback like this before?
Do you see this showing up in other areas of your work?
Does that land with you?
What’s your perspective?
Curiosity transforms feedback from an order into the beginning of collaboration.
The Brute Force Trap
When leaders skip curiosity and rely on brute force, the results are predictable. I’ve heard of managers resorting to and suggesting intimidation tactics—creating physical barriers of authority with things like desks, or clinging to symbols of superiority. Others express beliefs like, “If they’d just comply, I wouldn’t have this problem.”
But here’s the truth: these tactics and beliefs are often just outward symptoms of inward self-deception. The “problem” is rarely the team. It’s us. It’s our own unaddressed needs, challenges, and broken commitments. Instead of owning that, we project it outward. We crack down harder. We show people who’s in charge. We demand accountability from others but bristle at the thought of being held accountable ourselves.
And sometimes this brute force takes another form: “This isn’t up for discussion.” Besides being poor leadership, it’s also a tactical mistake. More conversation almost always reveals more truth. If you’re listening well—not just waiting for your turn to speak—you’ll hear the tone shifts, the inconsistencies, the breadcrumbs that give you real insight. Leaders who rush to judgment miss those opportunities and make poorer decisions because of it.
That’s one of the dangers of brute force: not only does it alienate people, it blinds us. We might force compliance for a moment, but we’ll miss the deeper truths that could be a gift to the person—or our team.
Even in what people call “tough conversations”—a phrase I dislike because it often justifies force or shrinking from what actually needs said—brute force and manufactured power are never the answer. More listening, more curiosity, more dialogue: that’s where real growth and alignment are found.
Closing Thought
Great leaders don’t just give feedback; they create conversations. They don’t just demand compliance; they invite ownership. They don’t lead from the desk or the title or the tie; they lead with clarity, curiosity, and courage.
In the next post, we’ll explore collaboration as a bedrock of lasting solutions. Because in the end, leadership isn’t about being right. It’s about helping others grow.